TUCKER SMITH

Introduce yourself and tell us a bit about your journey so far:

My name is Tucker, I’m 29 years old and am originally from Houston, TX. I started using at 15 years old and by 16 was fully dependent on opiates, benzo’s, and stimulants just to get through the day. I was a very anxious kid, always worried about what others thought about me, always wanted to be liked more than anything. Drugs were the solution to overcome that anxiety. For years they were the solution to my “me” problem, it was an escape from the anxiety, depression, and worry that absolutely controlled my life. I was so attached to the relief that drugs gave me from certain uncomfortable emotions I wasn’t willing to face, that I couldn’t see how they were stripping my life of any relationship, goal, or sense of self that I had in my life. They took everything from me, but that didn’t matter as long as I didn’t have to face myself in the mirror. After a solid 10 years of fighting myself I finally gave in and went to treatment in Texas in 2020 where I meant Shawn. My recovery is in no way, shape, or form perfect, but I wouldn’t trade my life today or the experiences I’ve had for anything in the world. My life today is so much more than I could have ever dreamed of. Today, I work as a personal trainer and a full time student, and am pursuing my goals in body building. I have an amazing relationship with my family (still blows my mind), the most incredible group of friends, and get to wake up next to my best friend and  the most wonderful partner every morning. I truly couldn’t be blessed with more in my life.

What is your redemption story?

Where to begin! Very early on drugs took a toll on my home life, and burned more bridges than I could ever count. I think the biggest challenge that I faced through my addiction was the losing of who I was. From the get-go at 15 when I started getting high, there was no “coming down”. That was never an option. I truly couldn’t stand who I was sober, or more so who I thought I was. I never even experienced withdrawal until I was 19 years old and in college, at this point I had been using hard drugs and pills literally everyday for 4 years. I refused to go back to being filled with anxiety, depression, lack of confidence, self hate. So fast forward another 6 years from there where things just got worse and worse everyday, doing whatever I needed to get that fix, not knowing where I was going to sleep that night, was I even going to eat that week? Anything I remembered about myself was like an old picture, a faded memory. I had no idea of who I was at this point. All I knew was that I was a heroin addict that was willing to do whatever and hurt whoever for my next shot. So when I got to rehab in 2020, I remember a staff member asking me who I was and if I was a good person. I didn’t have any clue on how to answer him, I had internalized everything over 10 years of addiction. The guilt and shame, this was the first time I had to face any of these emotions without any buffer (drugs). And I really couldn’t bear to sit with who I saw in the mirror. All I could think about was the people I hurt, the lives I played a hand in destroying. It was hard to separate who I was as in my true self and who Tucker is in addiction. Addiction completely took over my life every second for the last 10 years, I had no inkling of who I truly was. The hardest part for me was letting go of the shame and guilt and rediscovering who I am as a person in recovery. How I show up for others, how I right my wrongs, and how I continue to do the next right thing even when it’s the hardest. 

Reflecting on your journey, what was your "rock bottom" moment and how did you find the strength to rise from it?

When I think back about my “rock bottom” I can think of one very clear memory. I was 20 years old and I was home at my parents house, I was heavily addicted to heroin at this point in time. I had nodded out on the couch in the living room late that night, everyone in the house was asleep. I woke up to do a little more and noticed my baggy was missing. In a panic I check every crevice in the couch, get the flashlight on my phone out. Then I notice the light in the hallway to the garage was on, I make my way around the corner and the door to the garage was on even. I turn on the light and there is my dad dead on the floor, he isn’t breathing, cold to the touch. I call for help and my mom and brother wake up. As the paramedics are being called I look in his pocket and find my bag of dope with a dollar bill. I’ll never forget that feeling. The flood of emotions that sent me into shock. “This is my fault” . “I killed my family”. Those are the thoughts that ran through my head non stop, the only thing that helped was the thing that literally killed my family. From that moment on I was a slave to the needle, 24/7 365. It took years of overdoses, arrests, starvation, self mutilation before I was forced to face this. I was arrested at the very beginning of COVID in 2020 and detoxed in county for the first time since that incident. All the emotions, guilt, shame, self hate flooded back in. After a few months I had the opportunity to go to treatment in Texas. And it took a good amount of time even then for me to look at it. I took some suggestion and did EMDR therapy. I still hold a lot of guilt to this day and the healing is still a process I deal with everyday. The one thing I do know is my Dad loved me, and doesn’t blame me. He just wants me to be the best version of myself that I can be. His love and support that he always gave me even in my worst spots it’s the strength I use to rise above it, it helps me put two feet in the floor everyday, and look myself in the mirror.

How do you now help others who may be going through similar challenges?

Today I really try to balance my ways of being of service. I do work a 12 step program in Heroins anonymous here in Denver, CO. I volunteer at the Denver Rescue mission, primarily the soup kitchen. My dad volunteered in the soup kitchen in Louisville, Ky for the three years before his passing. A huge part of my job and why I love it is helping others overcome adversity. I’m a personal trainer and love to help others reach their goals, although it may not always be in a sense of helping with addiction, I think helping others with their physical health also makes a huge impact on their mental and emotional well being as well. When I first got sober I turned to food as an escape with binge eating and Shawn really helped me turn a corner in my recovering by inspiring me to lose about 100lbs and it completely changed my life and recovery. Helping others do the same is a huge passion of mine, I think food addictions and body dysmorphia can be just as harmful mentally as addiction with drugs/alcohol can be.

What inspires you to continue your journey of growth and self-improvement each day?

A lot of things inspire me to continue to grow every day, I really believe that if you’re not growing to better yourself then you’re regressing. Being stagnant is a regressive quality to me. I don’t know owe it to myself but I owe it to my friends, family, and loved ones to be the best version of myself. I want to be the best friend, brother, boyfriend, son, employee that I can be. I spent a lot of years being about as selfish as you can be, and I owe it to society to continue to give back and do what is right.

Looking back, what lessons have you learned from your past experiences that have shaped who you are today?

That if I trust in God and do the next right thing, everything will be alright. As long as I push to grow no matter how uncomfortable it may be, I will be content with what life gives me. I really think you get what you give in life and it’s never too late to change. You definitely aren’t your past, and you can’t beat yourself down on that what happened. It’s about how you show up today and tomorrow that shows your true character.

How has your journey impacted your perspective on life, relationships, and personal growth?

My journey has had a very strong impact on my perspective on life, relationships, and personal growth. There were years where I truly didn’t have any relationships at all, had no plans or goals for the future, I really had no will to live in the slightest. My journey has given me the greatest appreciation for the smallest things, whether that’s being able to be fully present with someone on a beautiful day, showing up for others, and just being able to put two feet on the floor in the morning. From where I have come, I know that nothing is truly out of reach, anything is possible if I trust in God and put my best foot forward. I think the best thing about my journey is my ability to now show up for others , whether that’s as a family member, friend, lover, etc… being able to show up in relationships is the most important thing in my life today. For years I couldn’t show up for anyone and I was all alone. I will never take that for granted again. So showing up as my best self for the people I love is so incredibly important to me.

What is your fight song?

Break Em’ Off by Paul Wall & Lik Keke

Is there anything else you'd like to share or any message you'd like to convey to those who may be struggling with their own challenges?

You can do anything you put your heart into, nothing is ever out of reach. Find your passion, and go all in. It doesn’t matter what other people think, or say. Do what makes you feel whole. That’s what recovery is about, being able to show up as your true self and have a life that’s fulfilling. For everyone it’s different, but if you just do the next right thing, the rest will fall into place. When I first went to Texas to get sober, I weighed 130lbs soaking wet, had hair that resembled buffalo bill, and had no sense of self. Recovery gave me a life that literally blows my mind every day. I have a job I love, surrounded by the best friends I could ask for, a healthy loving relationship, all 10 min from the rocky mountains. Recovery and God gave me this life, all I had to do was have a little faith and action in the program.
Also I will say I’m a huge fan of the podcast and Shawn Livingston is one of my best friends, mentors, and father figures in my life. He helped me so much in the active part of my recovery, and that’s where I gained back my confidence, self love, and drive to grow everyday. Even though I live states away we still connect on a weekly basis. That man is a ride or die, love you man!

Where can people follow you?

@tuckerfrenchsmith on instagram , literally the only social media I have